A Decade of Changing Perception: Chocolate Heath Banana Bread

This will be a wandering post, but stay with me because I think there are things everyone feels. But if I’m wrong, please don’t let me know.

I went for a hike by myself. This is something I’ve done a lot this summer. I like the solitude. Correction: I have learned to like the solitude because it started because I didn’t have friends here. I still don’t really, but I also don’t actively invite people because it’s my time to think, to talk to myself in the woods, to laugh at silly things that other people wouldn’t find amusing. 

I did a familiar hike. But this time I took the red trail instead of the blue. I wandered around the same Black Rock that I have hiked many times before, but I saw a (literal) different side to it. I saw rocks that made me feel small, without telling me I’m small. I had nature show me that I’m less significant in the world without making me feel insignificant. It was like nature was being a true friend. 

When I got on top of the hill-mountain, I sat there looking at the beauty that New England has to offer in mid-October. The greens, reds, yellows, oranges, browns. I feel like no other place in the world can look like this, though I know I’m wrong. But I do know no other place in the world can make me feel at peace the way this one can. 

I looked down at the park that my high school cross country team runs at and saw flags. I realized NINE years ago, I was falling in love at the Berkshire League Tournament in Cross Country and changing my life. It was the first time in my life that I said, “I want this” and went after it (spoiler alert: it was a boy). I put my heart out and said I liked him and wanted to go to Homecoming with him. He displayed passion and focus in ways I was enthralled by, he showed his feelings in a way I didn’t know a man could. He said he wanted to go. We fell in love. We dated and kissed and went through firsts and lasts and made my senior year something of a fairy tale.  

This is also the period in my life that I realized that you aren’t the same to people as they are to you. I consider him my first love. My first awful, soul crushing heart break. Eight years ago, I tried to end it (badly, horribly, terribly), and he had to break it off and I cried and the world spun and it was awful. But when I think of my first love, it’s him. Not the two and a half year relationship before him. It’s him because I wanted to spend forever with him. I wanted to travel to South Korea with him. I wanted to have mixed-race babies and hold his hand forever. And that changed, obviously.

Things change. And your perception of things is different than other peoples. The way you feel about Connecticut, “home,” your first “real” relationship, Heath Bars, bananas… these feelings can change. 

And that’s my segue to my recipe.  I made a Heath Bar Chocolate Chip Banana Bread.  I’m sure there’s a more concise way to say it, but those are the major flavors, man. And you don’t want to leave any of them out, I don’t think. My feelings about bananas still haven’t changed, so I didn’t eat this. But I really like Heath Bars and toffee now, unlike 9 years ago. And I make baked goods because I want other people to enjoy them, instead of eating as many as I can, unlike 9 years ago.

A Step Back: Olaf Cupcake Cake

It’s been an eventful year. To say the least.

I have used baking as a method of self preservation when things get very, very messy.

But when things got the messiest, I curled up, ugly cried, and soothed my soul in a myriad of ways before going back to baking.

I spend time writing, knitting, walking, running, driving, crying, sleeping, eating, dieting, and so many other attempts at soothing my soul that I enjoyed and learned from. What I learned, mostly through walking and running, is that bettering my being will better others.  When I’m happy, I can make other people happy. And what makes me happy is sharing things I love. I love to teach people things and show them things I like. So I’ve decided to try this again.

I learned how to make a cupcake cake. When my first attempt didn’t fail (with zucchini spiced cupcakes and cream cheese frosting, recipe past the break), I decided to do a few more things. My first cake was for my mother, who during the messiest part of this past year immediately came to my aide and held me.

And she wanted this silly cake.  So I made it.

I know from working on myself that I do best with structure… a lot of structure. I am NOT a spontaneous person and excluding a few mistakes (with names) along the way, I tend to think long and hard about things before making decisions.

I’ve decided to significantly continue this blog to work on myself. I miss writing, but it hurts my hand. I miss being creative, but I don’t have much time. This allows me to do some critical thinking (what does one write about when they have this self-doubt that they can’t stop?) and be creative AND bake. 

I went back to a recipe I’ve already made once. My sister likes to think that hobbies don’t take time, and once she realizes they do, she frequently considers herself “hobby-less” and thinks that it doesn’t take time (I love her all the same,  I understand what she means).  Baking is a test of patience and endurance and those are both related to time. And I have those, but I don’t have time. So she asked for chocolate and yellow cupcakes for Milo’s second birthday. I didn’t have the time or patience to bust out two kinds of cake. (I am working two jobs again) So I just mixed them together like I did in 2012. And made my favorite frosting. And made this for a boy who loves Frozen. And carrots. And sweets. 

Adventures in a Sweet World: Candyland Birthday Cake

When I used to get sick (like hospitals and surgeries sick), I didn't receive stuffed animals, balloons, or flowers. I got Pixy Sticks. I got Hershey's. I got sugar. I was known in my family as the one with the sweet tooth. I could devour teaspoons of sugar at the table before my mother could stir the milk in her tea. I found ways to get more sugar. I would forgo the Screwballs from the ice-cream-truck-man to get multiple kinds of candy that would last me longer than a melting ice cream with a dry gumball. I was a connoisseur. I wanted chocolate. I wanted sweet. I wanted sour and bitter and cream.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was one of my favorite books. Roald Dahl is still my favorite. Mel Stuart's Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory would make my mouth water. I wanted the golden ticket so badly. I wanted to be Charlie. 

My love for candy has not faltered. But it has been challenged by a worthy competitor. The Lady wakes up in the middle of the night and sneaks into my chocolate stash and eats a whole bar before I notice it's gone. She will eat any and all candy at all times of the day, even if she doesn't like it (she's not a fan of chocolate! Blasphemy!)

It was her birthday.

I spent some money.

Then I spent a whooooooole day planning and drawing and coloring and doing fun things to make myself proud.

I had a few moments of "This is going to turn out terrible and I'm going to have to make cupcakes really quickly because there's no way that I can make a cake ugly and give it to someone that I love as much as I love her!"

Then things were coming together and I got scared that the cats would step on it. But they didn't even come near it.

Then I was sad I didn't get to show it to many people because we destroyed it post-taco dinner.

Then she destroyed it reallllly well while I was sleeping.

On Making Friends (and having very little time): Friendship Cupcakes

I had been working for my good-for-the-world job and the restaurant job for five months when I realized that I really, really enjoyed the people I work with.

CollegeRoommate would come home from work and complain about the people she worked with like it was high school.  For her, high school has not ended because everyone she works with (barring her girlfriend) is catty, self-involved, egotistical, and lazy.  When she came home from work, I would listen to her talk about how much she did not enjoy the people she spent 50 hours a week with while I thought about how lucky I was.  I frequently laughed (and currently do) until I cried, played Just Dance with my clients, had friendly competition, and trusted my staff with my literal life.

A few weeks prior to these easy cupcakes, I had taken a 4 day weekend for my birthday. When my staff told me she missed requesting her birthday off, I decided she needed somebody to tell her that birthdays (hers especially) are important. I dropped them off before going to the restaurant and she cried and hugged me.

A time when I was finally able to make friends with my baked goods.

A Very Green St Patrick's Day: Green Velvet Cupcakes

My life was changing.

My life is still changing.

Around the time that I made these pretty, green, St Patrick's Day themed cupcakes, I was suffering from laryngitis for the first of three times in a year (still counting, I've got some time left of 2013).

I sprinkled the well-liked cream cheese frosting with some green sugar crystals and left some coworkers very happy.

Apparently, I barely have a voice for this cupcake.

Everyone Deserves a Valentine: Chocolate Bacon and Eggs Cake

Last Valentine's Day, I had a valentine with multiple roommates. Every roommate had a valentine except one. This one without a valentine was a very nice, caring, lovely girl. Whose birthday happened to fall on Valentine's Day.

I believe Valentine's Day is an appointed day to tell the ones you love that you love them.  I spend just as much time on my friend's valentines as I do on my significant other's valentines.

So when one lonely, lovely lady was to celebrate her birthday surrounded by happy couples, why should she not be celebrated?

She really likes unhealthy things. She didn't like salty and sweet. We frequently ate breakfast together and her love for bacon was unparalleled.

So I made her a cake. Made of sweets. That looked like bacon and eggs. I also wrote her name in chocolate. She turned 22 that year. We all housed the cake.

It was a pretty awesome Valentine's Day.

A Note on Confusion and Disappointment: Chocolate Cupcakes and PB Cream Cheese Frosting

I spent the past 4 years watching the NFL Superbowl with CollegeRoommate.

In 2008, we watched the Giants pummel the Patriots in our freshman college dorm room eating too much Wings Over Worcester and fighting over whose team was best. (Clearly, I don't care if it was a pummeling or not, I love the Giants.)

In 2009, 2010, and 2011, I have no idea what we did. I was less interested. We graduated that year, and the next year, 2012, we were brought together for a rematch. I met her at her childhood home and we drank legal margaritas and watched the Giants again pummel the Patriots. She (as a true New Englander) clearly is unhappy about my winnings.

This past year, we lived together again. Excitedly, I got the night off. And then disappointingly, she invited people I didn't know well into our home to watch a match we didn't care about. I made them mediocre cupcakes because they were requested.

I was deeply disappointed in the game. I was sort of upset that I didn't get my "dude-time." The game was a blow out (Ravens were killing the 49ers). The halftime show was wonderful. The lights went out in the dome. I fell asleep before the game ended, missing the exciting part of the game (the 49ers were coming back at the Ravens).

The cupcakes weren't great. Nor was the night.

I owe myself more "dude-time" and better cupcakes next year. I'm going to force it.