Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming into an abyss. That I’m
at the bottom of something and no matter how hard I try, I’ll forever be stuck
here. I keep talking and talking and screaming and screaming and no one can
hear me, or if they can, they’ve stopped listening… because no one wants to
listen to me.
Sometimes I feel like running away. Leaving every single
thing I own and love and disappearing into a world of adventure and newness. I
would adopt a new gait, a new speech pattern, a new name. Maybe I could dye my
hair blonde and live fearlessly, because I’m afraid of everything… and know
that no one would miss me.
I don’t let these days last long. I often hope these
feelings are fleeting and I can go about my normal routine and live a life I’m
proud of instead. I have plans, you know.
But in the strangest way, I have things that ground me,
bring me back to how wonderful my life is.
I do have an occasional slip up where I feel like I’m drowning or I need
to disappear, but I keep coming back. I keep treading or standing or
solidifying.
Third quarter at my store is hectic. Corporate cut hours and
I feel stressed out and dizzy most days. I feel overworked, underappreciated,
and a little dead inside. I feel like I’m CONSTANTLY teaching people how to do
things they need to know how to do already and guzzling coffee like it’s a life
saving potion to a disease that’s killing me.
But I have these things, wonderful things, that remind me to
relax.
I had a day off with the Lady. It was like the planets and
stars and God aligned, and I had a Wednesday off with her (I never have
Wednesdays off). The weather was supposed to be 90* and humid at home, but we
both had the whole day off. We got in the car at 6:30AM and went to Rhode
Island and laid outside Taylor Swifts $17mil home and imagined what it would be
like to have multiple houses and money to throw at things. We walked on the
beach and embarrassingly caught Pokemon and laughed and laughed and laughed. We
ate a delicious meal and got really sleepy and took showers and went straight
to bed. I was one of those days you love every second.
Last week, I baked. I mashed and sifted and folded and
waited. And I reveled in the praise and enjoyed my day. I have trips planned
and cars tested and books skimmed and kisses brushed and hair petted and cats
scratched. I have the lovely life that makes me feel fuzzy, and I just have to
readjust my scope every once in a while.
